Warning: This post speaks openly about suicide and suicidal ideation. Please skip it if those topics are hard for you.
I’ve shared openly about my mental health journey many times in my writing, but there are some things I’ve kept pretty close to my heart. Many of you know that I live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder. But there is part of that story that I have been more quiet about. I am a suicide attempt survivor.
In December of 2016, my depression was at all time high. I could barely get out of bed most days. I was experiencing near constant anxiety attacks. I had long periods of disassociation where I completely blanked on where I was or what I was doing and my mind went offline. I was self-harming. Everything felt dark and heavy and like too much.
I was getting by somehow. Still doing my best to be present to my family, help run our missionary initiative, do things with friends. But I was in bad shape. I had found an English-speaking therapist and was seeing her regularly. At the time, I knew little about modalities and the way therapy worked, but I know now that this particular therapist was not really trained to deal with the complexity of my trauma. I was seeing a hormone specialist who was trying to address the many physical symptoms of burn out I was dealing with. I told her about how difficult things were mental health wise and she recommended a psychiatrist. I saw him, was evaluated, and was prescribed an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I was really trying to find my out of this darkness.
But soon after seeing the psychiatrist and starting the medication, I began to have suicidal thoughts. I called to report this and was given an appointment the following week. It took a huge amount of emotional effort every day, but I promised myself I’d hold on until that appointment, sure that somehow this doctor would know how to provide me some relief. The day before that appointment was to take place, I got a call from his office cancelling the appointment and rescheduling it three weeks later. He had a need to be in the States and would not be back until after the holidays. My hope of holding on just a little bit longer was dashed. And my ability to hold back those thoughts in my head was at its end.
I was in so much emotional pain. I was so very tired. Everything felt impossible. And I couldn’t see a way out of it. I knew there were people who loved me. I knew I was needed. But neither of those things outweighed the panic I felt that I would never be able to get away from this pain and this darkness and all I could think about was that. A few days after the phone call cancelling that appointment, I overdosed. It was a calculated plan and I knew exactly when and how and what I was doing. I kept telling myself I did not want to die, I just wanted to make everything go away. I was just desperate to get away from the pain and the darkness. But I knew what I was about to do could bring about my death and I did it anyway.
I was hospitalized after the overdose and then went through an intensive three week mental rehabilitation program. Six months later, I was hospitalized again for mixing medications and alcohol in another period of suicidal behaviors. Six months after that I was hospitalized again for having serious thoughts of suicide. I spent more than a year battling the urge to end my life.
Eventually, the right therapist and psychiatrist hit on a diagnosis, a combination of medications, and a productive approach to therapy that stabilized me. I have done a lot of hard work and I am healing. But even now, I have the occasional depressive episode where I have to be on guard for suicidal thoughts.
What most people ask when I talk to them about this experience is how they can help. If I am honest, there were lots of people who missed cues before my suicide attempt. I don’t know if anyone could have truly prevented it, but there were lots of people who could have asked more questions and perhaps that would have made a difference. Throughout the rest of that period that I was seriously suicidal, the thing that saved me was having friends and professionals who were brave enough to ask the question directly and succinctly: Are you thinking of hurting yourself? Are you having thoughts of suicide?
Even now, my friends who accompany in my mental health journey are pretty quick to ask the question when they see me sliding into depression. And I have learned to be honest about where I am. I don’t want to die or to be plagued by thoughts about dying any more. I don’t feel like the slide into the darkness is inevitable and there is nothing that can be done to help. So when I am asked, I am honest with my answer.
There is still a lot of stigma in our society around suicide, suicidal ideation, and being a person who thinks about suicide. We are often afraid to bring it up with a person, even when we are concerned. But if you ask me what’s the one thing you should do when you are not sure what to do, it’s ask the question. It will feel awkward. It will feel risky. And you will be worried that you are overreacting and have it all wrong. But do it anyway. Being wrong will be a blessing. Being right could save a life.
I highly recommend anyone and everyone pursue QPR training to learn more about how to ask and how to respond to someone having suicidal thoughts. The last time I was hospitalized, I did not actually attempt suicide. I had a plan, but it was thwarted by friends who dug deep, asked the hard questions, and then persuaded me to get help (and by persuaded I mean physically got me into a car and took me to the ER, called my therapist, and then supported me through the days and weeks following the hospitalization.) Their actions potentially saved my life. I want you to feel empowered to be that kind of friend. QPR training can build your confidence so you feel more equipped to respond to someone who is at risk of suicide.
If you have a friend or a loved one who struggles with mental illness and is NOT at risk of suicide right now, talk to them about it. Ask them if they have a safety plan and let them know you are a safe person they can call if they are struggling. Ask them what things have helped them in the past when they had a mental health crisis so you are aware of how you might help should the need arise. Ask if they are willing to share the name and phone number of their therapist with you in case you should ever need to reach out.
These are deeply personal and intimate conversations. They will inevitably feel uncomfortable. But I promise you, they are worth having. My life has been saved by these questions. This is a great website for helping you work through what you might say and do if you are concerned about someone who may be having suicidal thoughts.
If you ask these questions and you identify that you or someone you know is having mental health crisis, call or text 988 for assistance. In an emergency in need of immediate response, call 911.
Guess what? I’m writing a third book. More information to come here in the next few months, but for now, your prayers as I write would be greatly appreciated.
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